Home
>
Marriage & Wedding
>
Marriage Counseling: What to Do When a Spouse Flirts Too Much

Marriage Counseling: What to Do When a Spouse Flirts Too Much

When Alicia first met Tim, she found him outgoing, charming, and easy to talk to. She thought he was very witty and funny, always the life of the party with everyone gathered around him. Yes, he flirted a lot, but while he was talking, he'd turn to wink at her, take her hand, or put his arm around her shoulder as he continued talking.

But sometime in the two years following their marriage, Alicia started feeling differently about Tim's extraverted side. It seemed to her that he was flirting too much and too blatantly while she sat on the sidelines, feeling left out. Most of the time, Tim didn't even introduce Alicia as his wife. If Alicia said anything to Tim about her feelngs, he told her that she was over-reacting. As she became increasingly more hurt, resentful, and withdrawn, the emotional climate in the marrige cooled considerably, and the marriage became less satisfying for both of them. Neither one knew what to do.

Flirting on the part of a spouse causes marriage problems for numerous couples. And it can at times be difficult to distinguish between a spouse with an extraverted personality who just naturally likes to joke and kid around versus the partner who is continually "on the make."

Flirting behavior has varying causes. If you have known your partner for a long time and have never had any reason to believe he or she has cheated on you, then you are probably married to an extravert who has a flirty personality. This can still be annoying and frustrating, but at least you basically know what you're dealing with.

Spouses can also engage in flirting to meet their own emotional needs such as feeling liked, being popular, or being thought of as funny, entertaining, attractive, or sexy. Excessive flirting can be a sign of someone who is trying too hard to attract and keep attention focused on himself or herself because they are needy emotionally.

Flirting can also be a passive-aggressive way of getting even with a partner. The spouse may have felt rejected sexually and emotionally, so the flirting can be a message to the partner to shape up or risk losing the marriage. It can also be an attempt to get the spouse's attention, hoping to make him or her jealous and bring about an increase in the marital passion.

And, of course, consistent excessive flirting can be a sign of someone with a sexual addiction who is constantly on the prowl looking for his or her next sexual contact and conquest. A spouse in this category needs professional help from an addictions counselor, but the help won't be effective unless the person wants to be helped.

So what can you do about your spouse's flirtatious ways? one of the steps you can take is to write a letter outlining your feelings. In the case of Alicia and Tim mentioned in the opening paragraphs, Alicia could tell Tim how much the fact that he doesn't introduce her to others as his wife hurts her feelings. She could ask for him to include her in the conversations, to put his arm around her, to hold her hand, or to turn and smile at her occasionally. That way she is telling him some things he could do to lessen her anxiety and distress.

Another thing Alicia could do is to become more assertive about speaking up, becoming a part of the conversation when Tim is flirting, and letting people know that she's Tim's wife. If Tim says, "This is Alicia" when introducing her, Alicia could say, "Nice to meet you. I'm Tim's wife." Note that I'm not advocating that Alicia follow Tim around or try to "catch" him in flirting behavior-that's a recipe for disaster. But I am suggesting that when she is already present, she can casually drop into conversation that she and Tim are married, such as "It's fun to have such a witty husband! Tim has always been able to make me laugh."

Don't get into an argument about whether you are over-reacting to your spouse's flirting. Say upfront that you realize the two of you have differing perceptions and you're not accusing him of doing anything wrong. You just know that if you don't share your feelings and feel heard you may have resentments and hurt feelings that build up and eventually harm the marriage. You want to feel that your spouse has really listened to your concerns, that your spouse cares about your feelings, and that your spouse is willing to try some new behaviors that will provide you the reassurance you need.

You could also suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor if the letter writing and talking don't accomplish what you want. If your spouse is still convinced that the only thing that needs to change is for you to be more accepting of the flirting behavior, then marriage counseling could help. When suggesting counseling, you might need to focus on wanting to get advice from the counselor to help you make the changes you need to. If you focus on wanting to get your spouse to a counselor so he or she will change, your attempts will probably fall flat.

The bottom line is that spouses who love each other and are in a healthy marriage will want to listen to their partner, take their feelings into consideration, and take steps to improve communication and intimacy. Showing consistent disrespect and disregard for a partner's feelings and perceptions indicates there are serious marriage problems lurking beneath the excessive flirting behavior-and it's time to seek professional help.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.keepyourmarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

private aviation FBO ground transportation Westmont .. Lockport Chicago limo O’Hare

In The News:

FireSat is a satellite project designed to detect and track wildfires early, aiming to detect a fire that's the size of a classroom within 20 minutes.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reports that researchers have uncovered a Chrome vulnerability used in a cyber espionage campaign.

Preserving voicemails securely on Android: Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals easy methods to keep memories alive forever.

This phishing kit bypasses 2FA via session hijacking and real-time credential theft. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson offers four ways to stay safe from Astaroth phishing attacks.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson discusses Joby Aviation and Virgin Atlantic planning to launch 200-mph U.K. air taxis linking airports and cities.

Fake Apple virus warnings, security alerts and messages are tactics used to prompt you to call a number or click on a malicious link. The CyberGuy explains how to protect your devices.

The combination of artificial intelligence and neuroscience allows a paralyzed man to manipulate a robotic arm by using his brain to imagine movements.

With the help of artificial intelligence, sophisticated fraud techniques emerging today are virtually undetectable to the untrained eye.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents

If you need to free up space on your Mac, consider deleting duplicate photos in your image library. Apple makes it easy to do, and the CyberGuy explains the process.

Microsoft is discontinuing Skype in May after 22 years of service. Kurt the CyberGuy addresses other options for internet-based phone and video service.

Tron 1, a Chinese company's two-legged robot, is versatile and can walk, roll and pivot, even on rough terrain. Tron 1 stands 33 inches tall and weighs 44 pounds.

Hackers are tricking people into installing password-stealing malware by making them press keyboard shortcuts under the pretense of proving they're not bots.

Saving the voices of loved ones can be a comforting way to keep alive memories. Kurt "the CyberGuy" Knutsson explains how to preserve voicemail messages.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

The FBI warns that some free online document converters load malware onto people's computers, making their private information vulnerable to attack.

Toyota's compact electric FT-Me is designed to tackle challenges of city living while offering an accessible and eco-friendly transportation solution.

Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says 23andMe's bankruptcy raises data privacy fears: Opt out, download and delete data now.

UBTech and Zeekr unite with AI robot swarms to make car manufacturing faster and smarter. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson explains how the process works.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says Apple's Passwords app had a three-month phishing flaw from iOS 18 to 18.2 patch.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson discusses how this super-small electric mini-truck takes a big step toward production.

Artificial intelligence-generated images and videos that use someone’s likeness typically target women without their consent. The CyberGuy unpacks how to protect loved ones.

A humanoid robot developed in China has transformed from a nimble dancer to performing kung fu moves with surprising precision and balance.

To protect memories, documents and personal data, you should back up your information on personal drives, according to Kurt the CyberGuy.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents

Marriage Counseling: What to Do When a Spouse Flirts Too Much

Marriage & Wedding